Glossary
The words for what happens in a fight
Plain definitions of the words people use when they talk about fights and repair. Each term has a one-line definition, a short explanation in our own words and links to the guides that put it to use.
Last updated
- Feeling heard
- Feeling heard is the sense that someone has understood what you said and why it matters to you, and has shown you they did.
- Repair attempt
- A repair attempt is any word or gesture during a fight that stops it from escalating, like a joke, an apology or asking to start over.
- Stonewalling
- Stonewalling is shutting down during a conflict: going silent, turning away or acting busy instead of responding to your partner.
- Flooding (emotional flooding)
- Flooding is being so physically overwhelmed in a fight, heart racing and stress hormones rising, that you can no longer listen or think clearly.
- Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
- Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is Marshall Rosenberg’s method for saying hard things honestly, built on observations, feelings, needs and requests.
- AI mediator
- An AI mediator is software that sits between two people who disagree, gives each a fair turn and helps them understand each other, without taking a side.
- Active listening
- Active listening is listening closely, asking questions and restating what you heard so the speaker knows you understood them.
- Emotional validation
- Emotional validation is telling someone their feelings make sense from where they stand, without having to agree with their version of events.
- Mental load
- The mental load is the invisible work of running a home: noticing what needs doing, weighing the options, deciding, and checking it got done.
- Perpetual problems
- Perpetual problems are recurring conflicts rooted in lasting differences in personality or needs. The Gottman Institute finds they make up 69% of conflict.
- The three yeses (3 Yes Rule)
- The three yeses, from Kamal Sarma’s WinWin Conversations framework: when a talk runs hot, get three honest yeses before anyone tries to fix anything.
- Rules for feeling heard
- Rules for feeling heard are the signs each person needs to believe they’ve been listened to, an idea from Kamal Sarma’s WinWin Conversations framework.
Have the conversation.
Tara sits between you, each on your own phone, so you both walk away heard. 3 days free, then $25 a month for both of you.