Glossary
Mental load
The mental load is the invisible work of running a home: noticing what needs doing, weighing the options, deciding, and checking it got done.
Last updated
Sociologist Allison Daminger calls it cognitive labor. Her 2019 study in the American Sociological Review, based on 70 in-depth interviews, describes it as anticipating needs, identifying options, making decisions and monitoring progress.
Because the work is taxing but often invisible, the study argues it’s a frequent source of conflict for couples. Women in the study did more of it overall, especially the anticipating and monitoring, while men and women took part in decision making roughly equally.
Fights about chores are often fights about this unseen part. It helps to name it plainly: “I don’t just need you to do it when I ask. I need you to notice it.”
Have the conversation.
Tara sits between you, each on your own phone, so you both walk away heard. 3 days free, then $25 a month for both of you.