Glossary
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is shutting down during a conflict: going silent, turning away or acting busy instead of responding to your partner.
Last updated
Stonewalling is one of the Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen, alongside criticism, contempt and defensiveness. The person stonewalling tunes out, turns away or gets busy with something else while their partner is still talking.
It often isn’t indifference. The Gottman Institute links it to flooding: the heart races, stress hormones rise, the body goes into fight or flight, and a calm conversation stops being possible. In its Love Lab research, 85% of the stonewallers were men.
The way out is to stop out loud instead of disappearing. Agree on a signal for a break in advance, take at least 20 minutes, do something soothing, and come back to the conversation.
Sources
- The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen, Stonewalling (checked October 21, 2026)
- The Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen, Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling (checked October 21, 2026)
Have the conversation.
Tara sits between you, each on your own phone, so you both walk away heard. 3 days free, then $25 a month for both of you.